Being Sawyer Knight Read online

  Of course I ignored him. I had fantasised about tasting every last drop of him too many times to give up now. So, pumping my two fingers in and out of his tight hole in line with the same fast rhythm of my mouth on his cock, I worked him until the end.

  “Jesus, fuck!” he growled through clenched teeth, as hot spurts of the most delicious fucking nectar I’d ever tasted shot towards the back of my throat. Easing my fingers out of him, I stroked his balls one last time while I licked his cock completely clean. Climbing to my feet, I stared at Sawyer, watching as he panted with his eyes closed.

  “You taste so fucking good,” I whispered against the throbbing vein in his neck, before kissing my way up to his ear.

  Then it came…

  The regret.

  The doubt.

  The fucking denial.

  He pushed me off him with two hands pressed against my chest and when I looked into his eyes, bursting with what looked like shame, I knew I’d lost him. Again.

  “You need to leave,” he said, his words swamped with guilt.

  “Don’t do this Sawyer. You can’t tell me you didn’t want that. That you didn’t enjoy it? The taste in my mouth is proof that you fucking loved every damn second of what I just did to you.”

  “Please,” he practically begged, shoving his semi-erect cock back into his pants. “Leave. Now.”

  “I’ll leave,” I surrendered. “But I’m not leaving. I won’t give up on you, Sawyer. You mean too damn much to me and I know you feel the same. You’re just scared.”

  “Fuck you!” he spat, anger making the vein in the centre of his forehead pop out. That vein has reared its ugly head for as long as I can remember. If he got into a fight back in high school, it would protrude so much I used to worry it might explode. “You’ve not seen me in fucking years, Jake. So whatever you think, you don’t know me at all! Now get the fuck out of here before I do something I regret.”

  “Funny, I thought you just did that,” were the last words I said before straightening my tie and turning my back on him.

  This is going to be harder than I thought. But not impossible. He was right about one thing. We have changed - we’ve grown up. Back then I was his follower, I’d have done anything he’d asked because I was so fucking in love with him. But now, I’m in charge. He’s still living so far back in the closet if he were to stumble he’d end up in fucking Narnia. He’s still afraid, scared to go after what he wants.

  Good job I’m not. I’ve grown into a determined man – a confident man. I get what I want, always. And I will be getting Sawyer Knight.

  Chapter Five

  Damn him! Why is he doing this to me again? I’m not gay. I can’t be. I refuse to be! If what he’s insinuating got out, it would ruin me. The backlash from the public would be unbelievable. My mother would disown me. The guys in the band would never forgive me. Our manager would probably find a way to sue me and make damn sure I never worked again.

  “Fuck this!” I growled, ramming my fist into the wall. I knew as soon as I pulled my hand away and noticed bubbles of blood erupting on the surface of my knuckles I would be in the shit with our makeup artist. Camouflaging cuts is practically impossible when they’re still bleeding.

  “Sawyer?” I heard Laurelin calling through the door. I like my P.A. She’s only been with me twelve months but we get along pretty great. She reminds me a lot of Elle – she’s got that same sassiness to her, the same smart mouth. Of course, she doesn’t, and never will, know me as well as Elle does, but she knows where to find the best bagels in town no matter which city we travel to so that makes her a pretty perfect assistant, to me.

  “What’s up, Lin?” I asked, opening the door to her.

  “Wardrobe are ready to go through some outfits for you.”

  “Well wardrobe will just have to fucking wait,” I snapped. “Sorry,” I immediately tacked on.

  “Everything okay?” she asked, brushing her fingers along my forearm. In all honesty I’m not too comfortable with how touchy feely Laurelin is, but she’s the same with everyone so I just tend suck it up.

  “Sure,” I lied. I’d never been more not okay. “I think I just need a decent coffee. Could you head out and get me one? The stuff in the machines here tastes like piss.”

  “Of course,” she agreed. “I might even pick you up a Danish pastry if you’re lucky.”

  “Ooo, you’re spoiling me,” I said, forcing a smile. “Have you seen Elle?”

  “Yeah, she’s outside talking to Jake.” She said his name with such distaste, as if she were afraid it would coat her tongue with a deadly disease. “Do you want her?” Her questioned snapped me back into the room. For a second I’d forgotten she was still here, too busy worrying about what Jake was saying to Elle.

  “Nah, doesn’t matter. Now run along, Lin,” I teased. “That coffee isn’t going to magically appear.”

  Not seconds later, Kip appeared at my door.

  “Mate, wardrobe want us.”

  Nodding my head, I replied, “Sure. Be out in two secs.”

  After stretching my neck and trying to erase the last hour from my mind, I nipped into the bathroom to rinse the blood from my knuckles. Luckily Laurelin didn’t notice, but I knew Elle would. I huffed to myself, knowing I would be under her interrogation soon.

  When I walked out of my dressing suite I smacked straight into Jake, whose eyes zeroed straight in on my grazed hand.

  “What happened?” he asked, genuine concern saturating his voice.

  “Leave me the fuck alone, Jake,” I barked at him.

  “You know I can’t do that. I’m your bodyguard.”

  “Yeah? Well maybe we’ll just have to rectify that situation.” Just the thought of replacing him made my chest ache, and that right there was what I needed to rectify. The confident expression Jake’s face always seemed to hold these days didn’t falter for even a second. It was like the smug bastard knew I wouldn’t get rid of him, and I genuinely didn’t know if that comforted me or pissed me the hell off.

  I walked quickly to the wardrobe department, ignoring any kind of eye or vocal contact with Jake the whole way. When I got there, the rest of the guys were already dressed in their first outfits for the shoot.

  “About time,” Elle grumbled. The simple knowledge she was here instantly made me feel at ease. “I’ve still got to style yours and Kip’s hair.”

  “Sorry, gorgeous girl,” I said smiling as I picked her up and twirled her around. I mainly did that to annoy her, because I’m an ass like that.

  “Put me down, Saw,” she scolded, twatting my shoulder. “Now hurry up in here so I can get started on your hair,” she added when I lowered her down. Then she leaned in so only I could hear and whispered, “We will be talking about what the hell is wrong with you later.”

  Anger caused my fists to clench by my sides.

  “What the fuck has he been saying to you?” I hissed back.

  “Who?”

  I straightened my back, eyeing her up suspiciously. I didn’t know if she genuinely had no clue what I was talking about, or if she was trying to trip me up so I would unwittingly admit what happened with Jake earlier.

  “Never mind. I won’t be long here. I’ll meet you back in my dressing room.”

  “Hmm. You’re hiding something from me and you’re going to tell me what it is.”

  “Love ya, gorgeous girl,” I said, before bending down to kiss the top of her head.

  “Whatever,” she argued. “Your charm doesn’t work on me.”

  Ain’t that the damn truth?

  I’m pretty much a creature of habit when it comes to clothes – t-shirt, designer jeans, studded belt. So, as expected, it didn’t take long for me settle on three different outfits for the shoot. I was back in my dressing room with Kip and Matt trailing behind me (and Jake of course, but I was trying to forget he existed), in under thirty minutes. Elle was already waiting for me with what looked like a whole suitcase full of styling products scattered across the pla
ce.

  “Hey, Saw,” Matt muttered, bumping my shoulder with his and nodding towards the lobby outside my room. “See that chick? Big tits, firm ass, red bikini?”

  “Um, yeah.”

  “She’s got the tightest fuckin’ pussy, man. Had her bent over the couch in my room less than an hour ago, and she said she’d be happy to go for round two with you when we’re done here.”

  “Jesus, Matt,” Elle said, rolling her eyes.

  “What’s her name?”

  “There’s my boy!” Matt said, practically congratulating me as he clapped my shoulder. “Her name’s Candi, and I’m telling you, man, that chick is up for anything.”

  “Okay, guys. Out. All of you,” Elle ordered. “I’ve got work to do here and you’re distracting me.” Saluting her, Matt and Kip left, but Jake lingered a second longer.

  “I’ll be right outside,” he told us. Of course you fucking will.

  “Sawyer, what the hell are you playing at?” Elle blasted the second we were alone. “That skank is probably riddled. You’re not seriously considering it?”

  “My sex life is none of your goddamn business, Elle.”

  “Hey, you might get away with speaking to other people like shit but you can’t with me. What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s him isn’t it? Jake?” She hushed the last part, probably in case he could hear on the other side of the door.

  “What’s he said to you, huh?”

  “Nothing! He’s never even mentioned you to me! Just tell me what’s going on with you guys, Saw? Because I know something is.”

  “Nothing’s going on.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “I swear it, Elle. We’re not together if that’s what you’re thinking.”

  “That’s not what I asked. Something is happening, and it’s more than him just coming on to you. If that was it, and you weren’t interested, you’d just laugh him off. So, do you want something to happen between you?”

  “Fuck, Elle,” I sighed, flopping down into the leather chair in front of me. “He sucked me off in here earlier.”

  “What the…” Her jaw literally fell wide open. “And… you didn’t want him to? I’m confused.”

  “That makes two of us. It was fucking amazing, Elle. Everything about it. The way he smelt, the way he spoke to me, the feel of him wrapped around my cock…”

  “Yeah, you can spare me the specifics, hun. You’re practically my brother.”

  “Sorry,” I muttered, exhaling a soft laugh. “But I swear, the second he’d finished… I loathed myself for giving in to him.”

  “That’s absurd, Sawyer. Why the hell would you hate yourself for wanting sex with someone?”

  “Because… I’m not gay, Elle! How many times do I have to tell you that?”

  “You let another man suck your dick, and not for the first time I might add. Sounds pretty gay to me.”

  “Don’t, Elle,” I warned.

  “I was just teasing. But you know how I feel about it all, Saw. This isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation. Why won’t you let yourself be happy?”

  “Happy? You think coming out would make me happy? Elle, I would lose all my fans, therefore my career. The guys would never speak to me again. My mother would condemn me to the pits of hell. That wouldn’t make me happy, it would destroy me.”

  “This isn’t the 1950’s anymore for Christ’s sake. There are tons of gay singers out there!”

  “Oh please. Maybe in the prissy boy bands, but not in our world. Besides, when Jake went down on me, I closed my eyes. I didn’t touch him once. It could’ve been anyone giving me that blowjob – any woman. I know what’s going on; I’ve thought about nothing else since he got here. Fucking men is a fantasy, that’s all. People have all kind of fantasies but that doesn’t mean they act on them.”

  “Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?”

  “Shooting in ten!” Gavin called through the door. I’d never been more thankful for an interruption.

  “Shit!” Elle hissed. “Come on, I’ve got ten minutes to turn you into the knicker-soaking rock star the world wants to see in this magazine.”

  “Gorgeous girl, I can make women drip for me with just a wink. My hair doesn’t matter.”

  “That’s quite an ego you have there,” she joked, whipping out the little pink pouch that contained her comb and scissors from her pocket. “This conversation isn’t over, Sawyer. Just on hold.”

  “Hmm, I thought as much.”

  The photo shoot was long and monotonous, just like they always are. The only good thing is, I didn’t have to force a smile. People have come to know me as the brooding, mysterious member of the band, so for the most part I can just sit around looking miserable as shit, and people think I’ve done a great job.

  Posing with my guitar for an individual shot, I decided Elle was right. I didn’t need to fuck that Candi chick to prove a point. But then I caught Jake staring at me like he wanted to fucking devour me, and I knew I did in fact need to prove to both him and myself, that I wasn’t who he thought I was.

  So that’s how I came to find myself in my hotel suite, lying on my back with my dick balls-deep in Candi’s mouth after cancelling my night out with the guys, knowing Jake was standing right outside my door. I looked down at her, watching myself slide in and out of her mouth. I could see what she was doing to me, but I could barely feel it. It was then I realised I was talking shit to Elle before. It couldn’t have been anyone else sucking me off before. Only Jake has ever made me come as hard as I did in my dressing room just hours ago.

  And that pissed me off.

  “On your knees,” I ordered. Offering me a lopsided smile as she bit her lip, Candi scrambled to her knees on the bed, ass in the air, just how I wanted her. I crawled up behind her, and after rolling a condom down my waning erection, I wasted no time in nudging at the entrance to her pussy. I needed this. Being inside her would prove a woman could provide everything I need. “Now, Sawyer. I need you to fuck me.”

  “Put your head down on the pillows,” I told her after catching her looking behind to study my face. From behind was always my position of choice. I don’t like eye-contact during sex – it makes it too personal. I don’t want or need any kind of mental connection. I eased in slowly, and then stilled while her body got used to me filling her.

  “Please,” she begged. “Fuck me, Sawyer. Fuck me real hard.”

  Slowly, I started moving. I rocked my hips, pushing myself deeper with each thrust. She wasn’t as tight as I’d have liked. Unable to get the friction I needed, I stared down at my cock entering her body, hoping the visual would speed things up. When it didn’t work, I closed my eyes.

  And I imagined Jake.

  Soon enough I was pounding her hard and fast. She was a screamer, but I tried to ignore the moans coming from her mouth as I pretended it was Jake’s hips I was grabbing on to. Gritting my teeth, I fucked her like my life depended on it. Then, the second I allowed myself to think of Jake’s mouth wrapped around me this afternoon, I exploded, my body shuddering as my orgasm ripped through my body.

  “Fuck,” I said, exhaling and immediately withdrawing so I could collapse onto the mattress.

  “Mind if I take a shower before I leave?” Candi asked, thankfully understanding the fact she was only here for a quick fuck, nothing else.

  “Sure,” I said, draping my forearm over my eyes so I didn’t have to look at her. I’d just used her completely. I fucked her for no other reason than to prove to myself I was straight.

  I failed.

  The only thing that got me off was the memory of Jake’s mouth around my cock and the image of his naked body, a body that I had to imagine. I’d seen Jake naked before – back in our teens, but even through his clothes I could tell he doesn’t have the same body I remember. His shirts didn’t used to cling to his firm chest like they do now. If he wore a jacket, it wouldn’t grip his broad shoulders causing the material to strain with every flex of his muscles.

/>   Damn him for coming back here!

  When Candi got out of the shower, I took one myself while she was fixing her clothes and hair and all that other shit women do. She was just about ready to leave when I’d finished, picking her back and jacket from the floor as I made my way into the bedroom with just a towel wrapped around my waist.

  I walked her to the door, seemed like the least I could do, and of course Jake was standing right outside. He probably heard everything. Funny, because that was my intention, yet now, looking into his blue eyes that seemed to run deeper than the ocean, I just felt like a prick.

  Candi waltzed off down the grand corridor without so much as a goodbye. Jakes eyes wandered after her for a short second before switching to me.

  “Was she for my benefit or yours?”

  “Don’t start, Jake.”

  “Feel better?” he asked condescendingly as if he knew exactly why I brought her here. His confidence never faltered, and it intrigued me. He was never so sure of himself back in school. More often than not he was happy to just follow me around like a lost puppy. Was this an act? Or did I really just not know him anymore?

  “Can you arrange for a driver to take me to see my mother tonight?” I asked, ignoring his question. If Candi didn’t work, maybe some good old-fashioned preaching would.

  “Shouldn’t be a problem. Does she still live on the Mount Hill estate?”

  “You remember?”

  “Of course I remember. I haven’t forgotten a single thing about you, Sawyer.”

  “Umm, well… yes she does,” I choked out, feeling a little breathless all of a sudden. “I’d like to go around seven – it will be dark then.”

  Spring is almost over and as usual I will miss it. I like the dark nights; they make it a little easier to live unnoticed – to hide.

  “Neil and I will take you.”

  “I’d rather you didn’t,” I said, and immediately felt like a jackass.

  “As you wish.” I was going to take back my ridiculous comment but he spoke before I could continue. “I’ll send Jim for you instead.”